Another Loss Another Gain

Let me introduce myself. My name is Christina and I am a wife and working mother to 2 handsome little men, Chris 2 years and my 10 month old Caleb. I have been in love with the same wonderful man for 15 years.... straight! Yes I married my high school sweetheart at the age of 23 and we have been married for what will be 7 years in May.

These past couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotions. Our family was shocked to find out that my mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer. When isn't it a surprise? Our family pulled together and re-evaluated our lives. News like this really makes you put things into perspective and being a believer in Jesus Christ I had to think really hard if I was where I needed to be and doing what I should be doing. Life is to short to waste pursuing foolishness. Was I pursuing foolishness? What were my priorities?

Well during the next few weeks the family grappled with the cold hard facts, what's next, surgery, radiation, chemo? Through it all my mother in law, a woman of faith and conviction, remained the a pillar of faith, she never complained. She remained positive and joyful, trusting in her God to take care of all her needs and to help her have a quick recovery.

During this time, my husband and I experienced what I will call an unintentional accident. I am very exact with recording my cycles and well needless to say the next day I pulled out my calendar and my calculator and figured there was a pretty sure chance of an unexpected surprise in nine months. Then there was the wait. Two weeks feels like an eternity when you are counting days. D-Day arrives and I decide it's time to take a test. One pink line, no biggie, let me finish my business. What?! Is that a second pink line??? Yup there it is light but it was still early. A flood of excitement overwhelms me, it's completely unexpected, its to soon, my baby is just 10 months old, Chris just turned two, I just went back to work... I'm happy to say I was more happy than anything. I quickly called my husband in to the room and told him. He stood there with a look of disbelief, is it really that easy, it was our first accident, a smile soon filled his face...

I couldn't help but calculate it all, that's how I am - very detailed. So it was going to be a Christmas baby, due December 18, I was already dreaming of a baby girl, bows and ribbons, puffy dresses, princess parties and a name, what could I name her?

The next week I quietly daydreamed and couldn't contain myself I told a few people, just a few, and swore them to secrecy, after all my husband wanted to wait to tell everyone later. I am already making frequent trips to the potty. Already?! Wait what is that? My heart sinks at the sight. Flashbacks of my past come to mind. I've been down this road before. Blood. Not much just enough to make me cry.

I told my husband and he encouraged me with sweet words. I prayed and told the Lord as I have before, let your will be done.

The next week the spotting stopped and the daydreams resumed. Until Thursday. Busy day at work, don't have time to have time to stop at the potty. Finally a break before I go home. Oh no, not again. I want to go home. This can't be good. I hope it stops. What if it doesn't?

I had just gone to the doctor that same day for blood work. It was to check my beta levels. I'll wait till the morning to call the doctor. After all, there isn't much they can do, it's to early. Morning comes and I make a call to the doctor. By blood work is in and the doctor agrees. I'm probably miscarrying because my beta levels have dropped to 3, Monday they were 17, they should be between 5 and 500 or so by now.

This was a first for me, yeah I've been here before but I never bled out, the doctors usually told me the bad news when I was far enough along that I had to have a D&C. Good news was I didn't have to have a D&C, bad news is I lost another baby.

To hard to focus, I have to leave. I quickly gather my things and rush home. I can no longer hold back the tears. I'm so upset, in between sobs I pray, God I know you can work miracles and that you have brought the dead back to life, maybe this can be one of those times. Maybe not. My immediate reaction was to run to my husband and have him hold me in his arms and tell me it will be ok and to reassure me of the truth I already know, God is in control and everything happens for a purpose. But he isn't here. He's out of town on business. So who do I run to? My mind runs down the list of loved ones and yet no one measures up. I know who I need to run to. He has always been there with open arms. I am not alone and never forsaken. I can find comfort. I pray for God to hold me close and I tell him how I feel. I make it home and climb into bed and open my bible, and read:

The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.' 1Peter 5:10 I've found comfort in the arms of my Savior once again. I cry and read and pray. I find peace in the innermost part of my broken heart and I find hope.

Then a thought runs through my mind. What about all those women who have abortions? Do they suffer? Are they still in pain? Is there shame? Do they have regrets? I carried my baby for just a few weeks and I am sad at the loss of another baby, of what might have been. Do they feel the same and yet never tell anyone? How can they not? Isn't it a part of our makeup to feel the bond between mother and child?

I read in 2 Samuel 12:22-23 "He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." I believe I will see my four little ones in heaven one day. I am blessed. I can't wait to meet them and see them perfect and whole and in the most beautiful place ever created.

I gave a friend of mine the honor of naming our child - Samuel. 1 Samuel 1:27-28 I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there. 1 Samuel 2:18-21 But Samuel was ministering before the LORD -a boy wearing a linen coat. Each year his mother made him a little robe and took it to him when she went up with her husband to offer the annual sacrifice. Eli would bless Elkanah and his wife, saying, "May the LORD give you children by this woman to take the place of the one she prayed for and gave to the LORD." Then they would go home. And the LORD was gracious to Hannah; she conceived and gave birth to three sons and two daughters. Meanwhile, the boy Samuel grew up in the presence of the LORD.

If I have learned anything through this experience and the previous ones it is that I must always run to the Lord first. No one can comfort and care for me the way He does. Luckily He has blessed me with a wonderful husband who exemplifies God with skin on. I am also blessed to be surrounded by loved ones who care and more importantly pray for me.

I have also learned to have a compassionate heart for those women who may never have told anyone they had an abortion and may be living with pain even today days, months or years later. I want them to know the peace that only God can give and the forgiveness he offers to all of us. They are in my prayers.

I may never know why I've been through what I have been through these past 6 years but I do know I can trust in my God to work all things for my good. He will be praised in it all and deserves honorable mention.

I've practically written a book here, sorry I am so verbose. I hope you enjoyed reading a chapter in my life, I enjoyed sharing it with you.

God Bless.