It was like there was this fog over my head, it put a damper in my mind and emotions, and well I'm to easily swayed by my emotions so from my lips came negative words. The Word says, "..out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45), and my heart was revealing way to many truths for me to take in. Why was I so overwhelmed? Why did I let every little thing bother me? Yeah, I could blame it on PMS, but Jesus didn't make any exceptions in the bible for our "women days". Did he? No I suppose not. Finally I cracked, I couldn't take the pressure any more, I had to stop the busyness and think, really think about my attitude and the condition of my heart. What was it that was really bothering me, why had I allowed my mind to wander so and my lips to say such negative things. As I searched my heart and cried out to the Lord I realized, it had been all to long since I had deep and meaningful fellowship with my God. I missed him. I was disconnected, I wasn't spending enough time on my knees or enough time in prayer.
This is my confession. I apologized to my God for being negelctful, how could I allow this crack in our relationship? In order to move forward and overcome I had to know what it was I was overcoming. What is at the bottom of it all? What or who has hurt me or disappointed me, where have I failed? What have I done that may have caused somone pain? I prayed, "Search me O God and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts" (Psalms 139:23).
It never ceases to amaze me how faithful our God is. Even Job experienced a period of silence from God before thier discourse unraveled the truth behind his sufferings. In the end Job refused to curse God, instead he realized that though he might ask "Why Lord?" even when God didn't quite answer him, he found God to be so big and so wise that whatever he chose to do would work out in the end, so long as it was in line with the will of God. The Apostle Paul wrote about it in Romans 8:28 All things work together for good to those who love God.
I love God and after some examination of my own heart I realized I have a lot of work to do. It is my priviage and high calling to live a life that examplifies God with skin on, and I don't always make God look very good. I fail and I fall, I have walked thru valleys of despair and on mountain tops of glorious victory, and my constant prayer is "Lord teach me to be content wheather I have much or have little, wheather I am happy or sad, rich or poor". Not only do I need to be content with "things" but with circumstances that I have no control over. Sometimes you just have to leave it to God and other times you have to work at it.
I know God to be faithful to heal me, to save me, to help me, to change me, and to never give up on me. That is the God that I serve!
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